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I had my Remicade infusion yesterday. It’s the fourth Remicade infusion in the times of the Corona. Instead of the Panoptikon, I was in a separate room, with another person. Everyone was masked, gloved and as always, it was an eerie feeling. As I was sitting there, I got a news notification on my phone, that the US had crossed the 200.000 deaths mark.

200.000 people died of the Coronavirus. That’s a city. Still, in the everyday craziness of trying to get an election hijacked and the number seemed to fly by. Because, we all know, there will be more.

I haven’t posted here for a while, because I honestly did not know what to say. But, we’re six months into it, and there is no end in sight, so perhaps it is time to take stock.

I am privileged in that I live in a house, my partner and I get along, and we both have jobs.

Of course, we had to adapt. I became quite adept in giving haircuts and learned to color my roots (with not much success, to be quite honest). I go to my online streaming exercise classes. I get most of my groceries delivered, and if I have to go somewhere I mask up and make it as quick as possible. I miss chatting with people when I run errands, and I miss stopping on my walks to pet dogs, but I guess it has to be.

But does it? 200, 000 deaths, and the number will rise with universities re-opening, and people being irresponsible.

On many days, I feel, quite simply, trapped. I miss my family in Germany something fierce, there are two new babies in the family, and I’d like to go and see them, but I honestly do not want to risk getting sick. I get envious when I see my friends and family in Europe and New Zealand go about their days, masked but semi-normal. They have gone on vacation. I haven’t even seen my American family. I haven’t seen friends, other than over zoom and facetime.

It has been several months of heartbreak, rage and fear. I cried when I read about the holocaust survivor succumbing to Covid-19. People use the word “tragic” but, here I am a bit of a stickler, a tragedy, as per definition, is something that could not have been prevented. I am no scientist, but I trust them, when they say, this fuckery could have been prevented, but it was the hubris of many people, first and foremost the president, that caused these deaths.

I was angry and beside myself about George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Sandra Bland, and Jacob Blake. Black Lives Matter, and one more time, louder for the people in the back: Black Lives Matter. The subsequent demonstrations in Portland made me proud (for the most part), and the response of the federal government, and their tactics made me fearful. Having a degree in German studies in the US in 2020 is a bit of a curse.

Is it half-time? We’re six months in, but there is no end in sight.

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